ring the alarm.

<3 Hey, remember that time we decided to kiss anywhere except the mouth?

So I’m in this current situation. I am falling big time for this one particular guy. Words can’t explain how I feel for him. He’s so cute. This feeling almost scares me to a certain extent. It’s been a little over 3 months that we’ve been dating. Were not official. But I almost feel that we are, except without the whole title. I enjoy his company, and the way he makes me smile. The nice and thoughtful things he does for me. Our cute lunch dates, and how much fun overall I have with him. He makes me not so serious all the time, and makes me a live a little. If that makes any sense at all? He’s so carefree, and truely does whatever he pleases, without a care in the world. That whole lifestyle thrills me because I am so opposite. I have never a met a guy quite like him. I would of never thought looking back this past january that I would be dating him only a few months later. It’s so crazy. It bothers me that were not official, but i almost feel like waiting because I know he’s that much worth it. Looking back, even dating ryan on and off for a year, I don’t think it was ever like this. I’m so much happier now then I ever was back then. He actually respects me, and thinks im the greatest girl ever. He makes me feel so special, and were able to just talk about whatever for hours. This feeling is crazy. I hope this feeling never goes away. It’s that great.

It all changes today.

And that is true. I love my friends more then anything.

Love.

Love is passion, obsession, someone you can’t live without. If you don’t start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who’ll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I’m not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you’ll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven’t lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven’t tried, you haven’t lived.

“live right now, yeah just be yourself, it doesn’t matter if it’s good enough for someone else.”

It’s been a while, that’s for sure. These entries are never too enticing. I sware. Im sitting here, it’s way past my bedtime and have class in approx. 7 hours. So fun!

My vacation was switched to lovely Jamaica :) Im so excieted. It’s way overdue. I can’t wait to relax and have a week away from this town. The whole thought makes me just want to leave right now! It should be a blast!

So I’ve been having alot of thoughts lately. Mostly consisting of how boring my life can be and how my love life is non-existant. It’s actually pretty sad. Honestly. In psychology class, we were discussing how people have such resistance toward relationships and being involved with someone. They often feel “locked down” but really it’s just a taboo toward “love” so many people shy away from that feeling. I know from experience that I do. I’ll be the first to admit. To actually feel vulnerable toward another human being scares the crap out of me. The thought of loosing control, the thought of not having the upper hand. That someone can just come in the picture and destroy the person I’ve come to be. They can take the independence that I have and tear it apart. I tend to run away from that feeling. When someone comes into the picture, and they may have an intense feeling for me, i will stop all ties. I personally think I go for guys, who I know won’t last because it’s easier to deal with, then someone who actually wants to be with me. So foolish ..I know.

The whole idea, of living life the way I want too, and not having someone interfere w/ those thoughts is what i like. I like the feeling of being independent but I can’t get the past of how I feel. I never used to be this way, I’ve been single now for over two years ..but whose counting? The way I felt after that breakup was the worst possible feeling I’ve ever felt. I did more crying at that one time of my life, then any other. The feeling of rejection and hurt, was enough for me to have such worries. I never wanted to feel that way again. For someone to be able to hurt me like that, to be able to control my emotions that easily. To make me feel terrible, and feel that I would never ever feel love for someone like that ever again. It would make anyone nervous.

Looking back, a couple years later. I’ve grown from the entire experience. The way I feel at this very moment, I didn’t think was possible. I know If i was still in that relationship, I would of been unhappy. I would of only been it because It was what I was comfortable with. I loved him, but I wasn’t happy. The way I felt back then, is not at all what what I feel now. I think it was honestly the best thing to ever happen. It opened my eyes to what life was really about. Being w/ friends and enjoying what life is all about is what’s most important. Doing well in school, and moving out of this town for a few years is what makes me realize that the person I once was, would of never expierenced some of those things.

I have alot of growing up to do, i have alot of living life to do, now it’s time for sleep.

“don’t pick me up, i’m fine right where i am.”

It’s been a while, i never write in here anymore. See I told you I suck at this whole internet blog thing. Spring break ends tonight at 12. Then hell begins tomorrow.

I had all week to catch up on some homework and reading. What did I do? I did everything but that. It was a nice week off tho to hang out w/ friends, drink, and do whatever the fuck i want. So i can’t complain too much.

Hm ..what’s been new? Lets see. I figured out exactly what I needed to figure out this week. So i’ve figured it out, and now i’m completely done. No looking back. I keep looking for a nice boy. I’m done looking. It’s such a waste. I did enough shopping for the next 2 months. So i’m done w/ that too. Haha.

I’m been researching all my information about transfering, i can’t wait too. I can’t wait to move away and enjoy life outside of Hamilton. I want to eventually live here, but i need a few years away from this town, and from the usual stuff i do.

I have a million loads of laundry, i need a shower, and to do this paper.

Peace.

“you can’t blame a girl for sticking to what she knows.”

It’s late. I’m not sure why I decided to write in this tonight. I’m tired and the bright light of this computer screen is blinding. It’s so quite right now. I can hear the sound of the nearby train. And the ticking of a clock. And the sound of my computer. Okay I’m done. Today, was beautiful. Not to cold, not too hot. Just perfect. I had work at the mall. I came home. Sat here for a while. Should of did homework. Of course I didn’t. My phone is broken. I feel like I’ve lost all connection with the outside world. I wonder if I have a text message or a call from anyone in particular. I can almost doubt my life on it that I don’t. It’s probably better that I don’t know. This whole pretending like I don’t care thing sucks. Big time. I should probably get to bed soon. I have to be up by 8. I hate waking up early. Tomorrow’s going to be a long day. G’nite.

“ain’t nothin’ gonna break my stride, nobody gonna slow me down.”

My tooth is aching. I keep playing with it. I sort of wish I could yank it out. That would be the end of all my problems. Pfft. I wish. I keep rolling my tounge against it. I feel like it’s chipped. I doubt it. In the mirror, it looks much different then my others. Then again I keep staring.

Today was slow. I sat around bored. I caught up on some TV. Ate food. And was thinking about going to the bank. Yeah that didn’t happen. I cleaned my sheets, and attempted to clean my room …only to discover that I was not in the mood to clean it. So now it just stays half clean. Yeah.

I went to work today for three hours. It draged on. I eventually went to the bank to discover that I have over 300 hundred dollers in my checking account. What a lovely surprise. I love when that happens. Then went to applebees.

Now I’m sitting here, Im waking up early for a hockey game. Flyers vs. Devils. The train picks us up at 11:09. I should probably get ready for bed.

Goodnight.

“you will learn how to help yourself.”

It’s friday night. 8:08 P.M. Im writing this entry because Im just stuck. Im stuck w/ everything. Nothing is going right. Things haven’t been going right for the past weeks now. I had all these thoughts coming at me, everything is just going so fast. My whole life has been centered around, my family. All of which is going to shit. You know money, drinking, controlling issues involving my mom and stepdad, the fact that there marriage is slowely crumbling in front of my eyes, the dependency of my 25 year old brother. The fact that I’ve dealt w/ this now for 19 years or so, and I’m still currently dealing with this. Also, that I feel like I can’t help but just watch. I love my family, I wouldn’t take back anything I’ve ever dealt with. They have instilled wonderful life lessons in me, and I’m so thankful. Since as young as I can remember, I’ve had to take care of myself. At a young age I was forced to make something of my life. Regardless if I even knew how. I’ve had to expierence and deal with things most children at that age should never have to. Im not complaining what so ever. I’ve learned to be independent and never to depend on anyone else, to get where you need to be. At this point, after only a few hours. I’ve had to watch my mom fight w/ my stepdad over money that she owes him from christmas. The fact that his credit card is 7,000 dollers, and the promise that she would give him money after going on a crazy shopping spree for us to have a “great christmas” it made me feel like shit. Is this really what this is all about?! Now for the past few hours, I keep receiving calls from my brother. Who claims that my stepdad brainwashes me to think that my mom is this terrible person. Obviously I don’t think that. She’s a great person. She just has bad habits. I can’t help but wonder why I at such a young age I learned to grow up, but yet my brother who is so much older then me, still needs so much. There is no excuse why you can’t pay your rent, or the fact that you call this house at least 10 times a day, because your too ignorant to the fact, that you need to make something of yourself instead of having someone else do it for you. I just hope w/ time this gets better. I know this entire situation that I’ve been forced to deal and am still dealing with, has made me a stronger person. And maybe I’ve grown up too fast, but I’ve had too. I’ve been sitting here for almost an hour, just writting and typing random thoughts, that I either keep or delete. I’m not sure at this point what to think. I’m debating whether to keep this entry private or public. I don’t know. I know that this should not bother me, because of what I am currently dealing with. And that this looks dumb compared to what else is going on. But I can’t help but think why someone who is has said they “liked me” and who i genuinely like could give a shit if he talks to me. It’s not okay for you to not talk to me for days at a time, or to not even make an effort to even see me, or call me just to say hello. I know that I’m wasting my time, It makes me sad because he had so much potential to be someone so great. I hate the fact that the last time I saw him I sat there concenplating for 20 minutes to hold his hand. And that when I received that random text on my birthday I had the biggest smile on my face, but with time I also realize that he is a lost cause, that I’ve put so much energy that wasn’t never worth it to begin with. I would be lieing if i said i was completely okay. But obviously, i will be. I feel that w/ most guys I get involved with it never turns out the way i’d like. It’s never more then just a hookup. With him, it felt different, but only I can determine the future and with that said I won’t settle, I won’t do it. It’s been a long night, thats for sure. Goodnight.

“i’d like to believe the best of me, is something i have yet to see.”

This past week was okay, school has been stressful. I got a D+ on an essay I worked my ass off. Maybe not completely, but close enough. I slept in. Didn’t go to class. Missed a study group session for psycology. So I’m sort of in a rut with just about everything. I hope it gets better soon. I need to back in gear. Literally. I can’t do this. Actually I refuse to do this. I have class in about 8 hours. I still need to fold laundry and shower. It’s past 1 a.m. and I’m writing this. I saw the movie ” He’s just not into you” over the weekend. I always wondered why girls brought their boyfriends? I never figured that out. It’s like all the behind the scene tips about how to figure out the opposite sex. It was mildley depressing as well. I’m not saying I believe the movie or the book 100% but pretty damn close. This weekend proved many things. I was a shitty best friend and I have the worst luck ever. It’s a proven fact. I hung out w/ meg last night. It consisted of driving around randomly all over hamilton. And her hitting a curb which caused her to pop her tire. It’s always an adventure. We talked about all our drunken memories and eventful our lives, were at one point. Idk, just a thought. I need to get out more.

“I need to believe, that something extraordinary is possible.”

So, I’m extremely tired tonight. I woke up early today to do some shopping. It went well except for the simple fact that I need to start saving for cancun. Im so excieted that I get to spend that expierence with none other then my best friends. I’m so lucky.

I’ve been jam packed w/ school & work. What else is new? My life is so confusing at the moment. I feel like I need to fix everything. All and all what it all comes down too is ..that I never know what I want ever. I’m doomed.

I have work tomorrow @ the mall. I’m sort of questioning why I ever chose this position? Oh’ well I do enjoy the cash flow. Haha. I’m supposed to go to the gym tomorrow morning. Eff that. I’m sleeping in!

I found this awesome fashion school in NYC. I’m curious about it. I requested information pertaining to their fashion merchandising program, and management/international affairs program. I can’t wait for it to arrive.

I’m literally passing out as I type this, I’ll updated tomorrow. Goodnight’